Vignette
by nsane1
Summary: Beka muses on Flash and addiction. Rating for a bad word or two.


Vignette 

AKA An RPG Snippet by a friend and I (I write Beka) 

Disclaimer: Andromeda and the characters on the show do not belong to me, although the way I portray Beka does. Alayna and Allie belong belongs to me, and Chaos belongs to Mik. 

Spoiler: It Makes A Lovely Light (blatant spoiler) 

Author's Note: It would probably be easiest to think of Chaos as one of Beka's boyfriends, one whom she loves as much as if not more than Bobby. Alayna is Beka's godmother, who lived with them for a bit after Beka's mother died. 

Summary: Beka muses on Flash and addiction.

* * *  
  
Chaos looked up from a flexi, which he put down on the table as he stood. "Hey," he said distantly, moving over to the refrigerator. "Finally hungry? I made some-" 

"I don't want any," she mumbled, carefully avoiding looking at him. 

He sighed. "You've got to eat something, Beka. What's wrong?" 

She played with her hands. "I--I'm just not hungry. I'm..." What to tell him that would make him leave her alone? "I'm not feeling well. Worked a lot today...I'm going to lie down." Going into her old bedroom, she curled up on the bed and stared at the wall. There were some things she just didn't ever want to tell him--drug running, for one. Stealing. That time when they'd had absolutely no money and Allie, Vex, and Rev had been on board and they'd had to do so many things she was far from proud of just to live day to day. But the thing she wanted to keep from him most was the Flash. The drug running, the stealing, that other time, that had all been to survive. But the Flash...when she'd been doing it, it had seemed like the right thing. Trance had been sick, they'd been stuck, she'd promised Dylan--promised him, and back then, he'd deserved that promise--but it had gone too far. She'd become addicted. Ten milligrams to addict. And then even when she was overdosing, even when she was dying, she'd wanted more...she'd tried to strangle Harper, for God's sake. She had shot Rev. And then afterwards, she realized how stupid she'd been. Damn, she had to stop thinking about it. Tears were running down her face, and she hadn't even gotten to the hard stuff. The subconscious craving. The knowledge that if she ever put one more drop in her eyes, she was dead just like her father. A

nd that was why she couldn't tell Chaos. Some part of her knew that he would still love her, but most of her was scared. Scared that he'd stop loving her, scared that he'd be disgusted with her--hell, she was disgusted with herself and he had every right to be--scared that he'd leave, scared that he'd tell her to leave, scared to lose him. 

She was always scared of that. 

She remembered going to Alayna after the incident. Dylan had given her some leave, and even though she knew Alayna didn't exactly welcome her visits, the woman had been Beka's only steady source of comfort and wisdom for years and years--as odd as that fact was. Alayna had sat her down, looked her right in the eye--somehow, it was just as scary then as it had been when she was seven years old and had 'borrowed' one of Alayna's knives to work on the Maru with--and said that no one could fight her addiction for her. 

"I've been an alcoholic for years, little Valentine, since a few years before you were born. Sometimes I'm a recovering alcoholic, and sometimes I'm not. The fact is, I'm going to be an alcoholic my entire life. The need to drink is always going to be a part of me. The only thing I'm able to choose is when to give in and when to stand strong. The same thing is true for you. The need for Flash is always going to be there, and it's going to be a lot worse for you, because Flash is a more powerful drug than alcohol. Sometimes it's going to be strong and it's going to hurt when you choose not to use it, and sometimes it's just going to be in the back of your mind. But it's always going to be there, and you're going to have to fight it, and you're going to have to fight it alone." 

Alayna's words hadn't been all gloom and despair, because deep down, Beka knew her godmother really, truly cared. 

"But little Valentine, I know you can do it. You're the most stubborn person I've ever met, barring myself and your mother. If anyone can feel the need for Flash and resist, it's you. You can fight it." 

She'd work through this by herself. It wasn't something she had to tell him. After all, he had his secrets, too. When she heard a noise, she pretended to be asleep and hoped no one noticed the tears, and eventually, she pretended so well that she actually fell asleep. 

But she couldn't sleep for long. With the thought of Flash firmly in her head, it plagued her dreams and woke her up soon enough--and Alayna had been right. It hurt. It wasn't as bad as it had been when they'd thrown her in the brig and tried to have her come down on her own, but it still hurt. She bolted out of bed, not caring who else was in it, and ran to the medbay, searching through the cabinets desperately. She had all the ingredients. Knew how to make it. 

She couldn't. That was the sure way to lose him. Hands shaking and still in pain, she left the ingredients on the counter and slid down to sit huddled on the floor, prepared to fight this off on her own. Because she could. Because she was stubborn. Because she was her mother's daughter. 

But she was also her father's. 

She shook her head. No. The one way to prove, once and for all, that she wasn't her father was to fight the addiction. She wouldn't let it control her. 

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
